i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize