You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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