I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
