There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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