If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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