Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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