someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
