Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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