Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
