i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
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