summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
