Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
this will be a night to untag.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
