Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize