I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
