New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
