How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize