OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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