Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
her vagine was all disorganized.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
