Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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