The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
