Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
