Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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