I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
