I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
