Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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