I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
