I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
