my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
