I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
