Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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