I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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