Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
