At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
