Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
