i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize