70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
