I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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