I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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