i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize