New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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