All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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