Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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