dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
