I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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