When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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