Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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