Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
