Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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