I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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