I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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