I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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