how can u be prego again
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
