you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
