what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
