I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
