i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
