i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
