i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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