He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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