and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize