They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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